Patience was in reality the first virtue I tackled since I felt patience took time. I had always hoped for, strove for, prayed for patience in my own life but never seemed to attain it. I was always angry and frustrated, but not outwardly showing these emotions to the point that I drove myself deeper and deeper into depression. The only way I could come up for air and be released from this grip of depression was to release each and every emotion that surrounded my depression. While I was working on my thesis, I finally was released from my last vestiges of depression. Now don’t think that I don’t struggle occasionally with feelings of being blue or thinking that life isn’t worth living. Those will never leave me, but I now know the secret to release my burdens. I must patiently release them to God, you might release them to a higher power of your choosing or use knittymuggin’s mother’s advice and give it all to a potato and bury it. Its a regular daily thing that most be done slowly and steady every day.
Instead its better to delay the anger and thus allow the virtue of patience to control and temper it into something less dangerous often times helpful. The old etymology of patience is long-suffering. You are to endure with fortitude and character building qualities through whatever it is going on in your life. So instead of directing my anger inward, I should have been controlling it and using it to shape my surroundings with that passion and frustration. I’ve since learned how to funnel that anger away and into things. Sometimes its my knitting, sometimes I need to just organize stuff.
So how did I portray all of this into my finished object, well I took pieces. Pieces of me of who I am in many different shapes, since there are so many varying bits of me that don’t always fit together. I took them and laid them out. I decided to let the process lead me rather than striving for the item itself. I knit bits, I cut bits, I lined bits and finally they all fell together into what you see on this page. Not necessarily an easy process to get them all to talk to each other and agree to live in one cohesive space but each piece shows how it plays nice while defining itself. Its individuality. I learned patience through the process. I learned that you can’t just shove it and its all going to work. You have to sometimes cajole it into working, tweaking this or jostling that. The pieces will work but sometimes you need to take something off the pieces before they fully fit.
The lace over the stomach is a super fine merino laceweight from habu. I used it because it was the thinnest yarn in my stash and I knit it with my smallest needles – US size 0 bamboo needles. I hated every minute I had to knit this piece. I didn’t want to do it, but I took that and pushed past that to create a delicate filmy layer. The body of the garment is hemp/silk fabric that has a definite grain line. It only likes to bend between hemp threads other wise its crisp and hard. Many things are like that in that you have to have the time and where with all to find that spot where you can bend something to your will. Some are harder than others. Lastly the sleeves are Habu hemp yarn that is knit into a random mesh starting at the wrist and organically expanding to fit the shoulder. The dress felt incomplete as if it wasn’t finished telling me its story without them. Once on, I fell in love with the simple beauty of rustic lace over the skin.
I think life is like that things happen that we know have a meaning but we’re not sure what till its almost too late and then you realize how special that frustration or what originally was annoying has become to your central core. Do you treasure those diamond creating circumstances in your life? Don’t they occasionally break off bits of you to expose something beautiful, truly stunning that shocks people with how great things are for you. Can you see the through the darkness enough to know that this too will end and on the other side will be something even better, nay something wonderful? It might take days, months, years, decades, but it will come. Mine took 10 hard years of thinking life was finished but now I can’t even believe I felt that way. I can’t give you the buck up speech or expect you to believe that you will get through, because I wouldn’t have believed me. Just patiently work through your trials and take one day, one stitch, one thought at a time and once you’re done something will have appeared. Something that might amaze you.